Baby's growing!

This fisher price piano was not working for some time. Recently Dw changed the batteries and the music started to fill up the house again. This time round, baby girl no longer stares at it blankly, instead she now responds by aiming & kicking at the notes.

When I heard the tunes which were all so familiar, tears just welled up in my eyes. I do not know what overcame me suddenly but I was filled with so much love, so much emotion. I thought back to the days when we 1st brought baby girl home. She was sleeping but the moment she woke up, she was crying uncontrollably and nothing we did seemed to work. We switched on this piano which was placed at the foot of the playpen, in the hope that the tunes will distract her from crying. It didn't really help much, nevertheless it was a major part of her newborn months, since it was the toy that was with her right from the start.

In September 08 , we were all wishing time will pass faster so that she will outgrow her constant crying and start to interact with us. Yet now, 6 months later, I feel myself missing newborn Jilliane. My baby girl is slowly becoming a toddler. I miss the lost look in her eyes which seem to be asking 'where am I' but yet curious to find out more by staying awake from 7am - 11pm. It's a feeling that I find it difficult to put into words. I do not know if other mothers feels the way I do but I know fully well that I cannot rewind time and soon, my innocent baby girl will grow up into a teenager, an adult and eventually become a mother herself. I want to treasure my time with baby girl, holding her, hugging her, loving her and I pray to God for courage to be able to let go her hand when the time comes which will undoubtedly bring about more tears.

It is for the same reason why I hesitate having a 2nd child. I do not want to have to divide my attention for Jilliane or then again it could be simply because I am afraid that I do not know how to do it. I'm an only child and I never had to fight for my parents' attention. I do not know if I can ignore sibling rivalry & brush it off as a growing up phase.

We will leave this to God whom we know has had it all planned out, like how he had planned for Jilliane to be a part of us.