FTWM

FTWM - full time working mom.

For the 1st time, I finally experienced what it feels like. This is my 4th day and I can't help but think of my past carefree days when I could afford to laze an extra minute in bed. My schedule is pretty much fixed. It starts at 6am everyday and depending on THE empress dowager, it's either I start off my day by feeding her or start off by washing & sterilizing the bottles from the midnight feeds.

Life has more or less been a routine since the arrival of Jilliane. Early awakenings, interrupted sleeps, diaper changing, cleaning bottles, feeding every 3 hours. Sometimes I wished I had a maid to whom I could throw these tasks too but usually after such a thought, I will feel guilty and quickly brush it off. These are all part & parcel of motherhood and nothing will mean more to me than knowing that I was there for her throughout the bad and the good.

I had a lunch session today with a single, 40+ yr old female and she began lunch by criticizing me. First she commented how fat I am, then she focussed on my slight paunch, then it went onto how aged I look now and that I can no longer have a life, travelling & going places. As if that was not enough, she said I will never be pretty again. I was offended but I bravely told her that I am enjoying myself with my daughter and I am contemplating making a trip overseas with her soon. In fact I had just checked SQ's website before lunch and it costs $32 for her to fly to KL. On top of that, I'm also toying the idea of having a 2nd one soon. She must have been shocked at my response, given her look of disbelief and told me sarcastically to take care & to call her if I ever need help to discipline my daughter. Is she mad from the lack of men in her life or what? I really wonder. And the biggest irony, I think her butt is bigger than mine despite not having gone through any delivery at all, except perhaps for the delivery of shit from her asshole.

Come on, I don't look all that bad right? I think if I were to head to Zouk tonight, I'm sure I will still have my fair share of admirers. Hmmph! *Thick-skinned Moninet* Whahahaha!

A Mother's Reflection

An excerpt from Advent 2008 Reflections:

"He slipped into this world into my arms, placed there by heaven. He is straight from God. He is an indescribable gift. As I looked upon him, peace & purity fill the air around him. Through joyful tears I whisper in his ear, "We are glad you are here. We waited so long to see you." He opens his eyes and I am transformed. A timeless moment filled with infinity of what life is. In his eyes I see total recognition, unconditional love and complete trust. I am a mother. In that instant I feel, and in my heart I know, everything I need to know to guide him.

Time will fly; suddenly he will be grown, a young adult ready to soar into the world and give what he came here for. Letting go will be wrenching and yet we know that he is not ours to keep. He came to us to teach us lessons, to give us joy, to make us whole and to connect us to God. My hope and prayer that as his mother, I am able to serve him well."

Divine Intervention

This is a pic of my baby's foot when she was hospitalised recently. It was heart wrenching to see a tiny baby having to go through so many tests and to be in such pain. For the 1st time ever, I could truly feel like a mother. Now I understand what people mean when they say a mother's love is unconditional. If only I could take over baby girl's pain, take over her suffering, I would. This whole episode was traumatising, especially when her fever sky rocketed. Each time it happened, my heart would sink with worry. It didn't help when it occurred in the middle of the night and I was alone in the hospital room. Nevertheless I'm glad that this ordeal is over and my baby girl is now back to smiling & cooing right here at home.

At the beginning, I was helpless since I couldn't do anything to help my baby girl, except to leave her in the trusted hands of Dr Cheng & the kind nurses at East Shore. Then my mother urged me to pray to St. Gerard. I did. I prayed alot. I asked St Gerard to take care of my baby girl. I prayed to Jesus, I prayed to Mother Mary. Somehow, praying gave me more confidence in my girl's recovery. And I thank them for putting my girl back on the road of recovery. My mother prayed to St Jude. She prayed fervently too.

I've never been a very pious person. I had always taken religion for granted. Going to church on Sundays was more of an obligation to my parents than anything else. However these began to change when I met DW. The amazing thing was he's not even a Catholic, yet he was adamant that we follow the Christian faith closely. It surprised me to see him participating happily during Sunday masses and I began to reflect on myself.

Since I began to open myself more to God, I realised that he has helped me in more ways than one. Having to attend the Engagement Encounter was the 1st step that God helped me to prepare for my marriage. Subsequently, up till today, I know that not once did I walk alone, not during my pregnancy, not during my delivery and definitely not for the past week.

I'm convinced that divine intervention plays an important role in our lives. It doesn't necessarily have to be my God. It could be any religion that one believes in. As long as we know that somewhere out there, there is someone looking out for us.

Post Natal Blues

I never expected that I would be hit by these. I've always thought myself to be a happy go lucky, independent, strong woman. But I guess the toll of motherhood just got the better of me & I just had to let myself go, let myself holler the house down & behave exactly like my little baby.

Dw was aghast at what he witnessed. He's been informed of the possibility of depression of women after delivery but I suppose he himself was not prepared of the senseless & incomprehensible behavior of his wife. At one point, out of desperation, he screamed, how was he to handle a bawling baby & a bawling wife at the same time! Now that I think back, it was funny & I felt sorry for him at that point. Husbands certainly do not have it easy now too, compared to our fathers' generations where they were mostly not required to participate in the caring of their children.

One thing I've learnt from these episodes was that it helps to just cry it ALL out. There's really no point in trying to suppress your emotions. Hormones are uncontrollable. After my last cry about a week back, which undoubtedly was the best one I had, I actually felt much more recharged and bounced back to looking after Jilliane with a surge of renewed energy.

And yes, I believe I'm still that independent woman as when I cried, I demanded to be alone. I didn't need wishy washy, feel good words fr Dw or anyone else.

My delivery story

30 August 2008 - Saturday, 10am

Doc Fong checked that cervix was very soft but water level had gone down since last appt a week ago and baby was moving less. Put me on CTG, was already having regular contractions every 10 mins but I wasn't even aware of it! He wanted me to check in to hospital for a more thorough check up but I pushed it till the next day as I wasn't mentally prepared yet. But he pre-empted me that I may be one of those who may deliver in a taxi as my cervix was soft and labour could be fast. He thought for a while and said 31 August was ok but if I bled or had water leaking or contraction pains, I had to admit immediately. Agreed!

31 August 2008 - Sunday

5.45am - Woke up to pee, discovered blood in the toilet bowl. Woke DW & mom up. Mom to make breakfast for me & DW to get ready to send me to hospital. Cervix mucus plug has dislodged!

6.30am - Arrived at Mt Alvernia and proceeded to be admitted.

7.30am - 1st VE (which was bloody painful even though I was high on gas) - dilated 1.5cm. Sigh.. what a long way more to go. If I ever have a 2nd kid, I don't think I will rush to hospital so soon.

10.30am - 3cm dilated. Doc Fong broke my water bag... ewee... hot gushes of water just wouldn't stop flowing.

11am - Epidural by Doc Chong.. Epi is as godsent! No pain, no tension, no stress.

1.30pm - 4cm dilated... aiyoh, another 6cm more to go, that could be nightfall!

3.30pm - Fully dilated! I had a shock! So soon!! Told the nurse to take her time. I wasn't in a hurry to give birth, heheh..

4.30pm - started pushing. Baby's head could be seen. It was tiring and I suggested using vacuum. Finally BB Jilliane was born!

Publish Post

New baby gifts

A pretty baptism dress with matching ballerina shoes from Pam &
a pretty bathtub from Angie!

Anytime soon...

As of last Sat's checkup, Doc Fong could feel JD's head. Whenever I think about this, I can't help wondering what was going through JD's mind.. Was she thinking: What's that rubbing on my head? Who's calling me.. hello hello.. I wanted to ask Doc Fong if he could feel she had hair, but I decided against it, he's been very patient with seemingly silly and endless questions from me for the past 8 months. Morever, the cervix check was traumatising and uncomfortable enough and Doc Fong is already considered super duper gentle. I can't imagine how much more uncomfortable it would be when it's the midwife (FEMALE - who most of the time are less sympathetic with other females as they probably have experienced it themselves and couldn't care less about making you feel good, afterall there's no harm involved) who's going to check my cervix during labour. Anyhow, my cervix has not opened yet but it's apparently very very soft, with baby's head very very low and I've been told it could be anytime this week. I've been told to walk alot more now to have an easier labour.

JD, JD, your papa's very excited to see you. He's been trying to coax you daily to pop. Are you going to come out this week? Aunty Mo already said she'll see you this week when she bade you farewell last Saturday. Though my next appt with Doc Fong is next Sat, but he said most likely the next time he'll see me will be at Mt Alvernia. But somehow mama wants you to hang on till next weekend. I've applied my maternity leave to start from 1 Sept.. Well, JD - you decide what's best for you ya! *wink wink & muacks muacks*